tales of love, sobriety, growth… and everything in between

Getting Older Sucks and I Want Botox

I finished writing this last night and immediately felt gross and ashamed. I said to myself, “Phoenix, you ungrateful brat. How could you be complaining about aging when you’ve known so many people who never got the chance to get older?” Then down the rabbit hole of my thoughts I went… So I highly considered deleting this before it’s scheduled “post” at 7am. Then I realized I was doing exactly what this blog was meant to help me NOT do anymore, which is tell myself my thoughts and feelings are “bad,” or “make believe.” So here we go…

Fun fact: My most creative moments occur when I’m PMSing. Look at me, finding the positive in being overly emotional and bloated! I am just on the cusp of my 31st birthday (insert eye rolls here. I’m not old, I know.)

I know I’m supposed to be embracing aging. I should be loving these new wrinkles and gray hairs and all the unique quirks that come with getting older because it’s a right of passage. I know I should love myself as I am, and inhale acceptance exhale expectations meditate on it blah, blah, blah… And some days, I do. I mean it, I really do. But today I am having a day. None of that is working, and I‘m convinced nothing is fair and everything sucks. I hate looking older, I hate that my feet are swollen and my knees hurt (I’ll have to see a medical professional about that…) Oh and I also hate having to see all these 20 something year olds in their glory not realizing that in about 6 quick years they’re going to be googling, “is Botox a carcinogen?” “How to get rid of extra neck skin,” and “why do I suddenly hate sex?” 

I get in these moods and my husband has no idea what to do. Then I get extra annoyed by him asking me what he can do. In fact, when I’m like this I get annoyed by him breathing. I legitimately sent a text to a friend last month saying, “Dan is doing this thing where he breathes and it annoys me.” I realize how irrational that is, but this is my blog and I’m gonna be honest about what a crazy I am. So now I feel even worse, because all I want to do is cry and wallow alone, and my poor husband has no idea why. Younger drinking me would have made a few margaritas, gotten really sassy, and pushed it all to the side. But old sober me just wants to be alone. Processing things sober is still such a bizarre new territory for me. Shout out to all you people who have been feeling the feels without the devils’ juice all along. It’s a whole new world for me over here.

How do we smoothly sail through the tides of aging? On one hand, we are told to not be vain. Love yourself, just not too much. Love yourself only as much as is socially appropriate. Don’t brag blah blah. I’m sorry, but that’s not gonna cut it for me! If you think you look great, I want you to shout it out. If you did something you’re proud of, I want to hear about it. We are are constantly sold products and programs to help us lose weight, have better skin, teeth, etc. It’s as if we’re supposed to feed into it, yet also be secretive about it.

I posted to my personal Facebook page a while back asking about Botox. The responses were varied, informative, and entertaining. Ultimately I decided not to do it (for now,) but some days I just want to hide my face from all cameras and humans. I hate that I have eye bags and crows feet and a massive forehead wrinkle. I want to be positive about my appearance, especially because I realize I am NOT that old, and there are people reading this right now thinking wow this bitch is crazy she looks like she’s 12. I know, I know. But days like today, all I see is a tired, washed up, overly emotional mess.

My goal is to get to a place where I have a healthy relationship with aging, because it’s happening no matter what. The next 15 days will be dedicated to feeling fabulous about myself! I originally said 30 days, but if I’m being honest, I’ll definitely be on to some new idea by then. So I want to set myself up for success.

I thought about what makes me feel beautiful and good about myself…

  1. Not wearing makeup, but sometimes wearing makeup. I love when my skin feels like it can breathe. So I try to limit makeup days to when I’m going somewhere special.
  2. Getting enough sleep!
  3. Eating good food that doesn’t have a ton of salt in it. I have a really bad salt tooth. I know it makes me feel like shit, yet I am admittedly addicted to eating it. I took one of my night classes off for August, and my plan is to organize our eating habits!
  4. A new dress that fits like an absolute glove.
  5. Going to pilates!
  6. Staying hydrated- coconut water!!!
  7. Being outside- riding my bike, being on the water, hiking, and working up a good old fashioned sweat.
  8. Getting my hair curled by the professionals. One of my besties bought me a curling iron in January. It’s still in the package. Hair styling is not one of my strengths!

When I was writing this, a friend sent me a 30 day calendar of little self-love tasks to do each day. I decided to make my own, but start off with 15 days. I’ll re-evaluate when I finish, and make another 15 day plan if I feel like it.

Feel free to use this or make your own. I’d love to read yours if you’d like to share it with me!

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