I’m Not Ready To Be Content
The majority of my blog posts and poems stem from things people have said to me in the past. Their words seemed rather insignificant at the time, and they may not even remember having said them. The things that have stuck with me over the years are surprising, but likely not coincidental.
Many moons ago I was at a bar with one of my friends talking about relationships and life choices. During this conversation, a very wise woman looked me square in the eyes and sternly said, “Do not settle. You will be miserable if you do.” I don’t think a day has gone by in the past 7 years that I haven’t thought of her words in some capacity.
I’m turning 31 in a week or so. Year 30 was without a doubt the year that I became a REAL adult. It’s been one of the best years, but my goodness it has not been easy. This rotation around the sun has been a saga of dealing with the reel of inner battles that I l knew I’d have to face sooner or later. So many times in the past 365 days or so I’ve asked myself, “why is this happening?” So many times I’ve quietly said to myself, “this is so unfair,” or, “this wasn’t how my life was supposed to be.” I know I have a good life. I know I have more than enough. I know this is a whiny blog post, and I know this world is so much bigger than me and whatever problems I think I have. I also know I’m not ready to “simply be content.” I often wonder if I ever will be.
This is my yoga right now. Sitting with this burning feeling that’s within me and figuring out what the heck to do with it, because I know I can’t put out my own flames any longer.
I’ve always had a plan and have been able to very clearly see what was next. I went to college, got a job, bought houses, got married, opened a business, grew my business. Gave up drinking and started to deal with all the underlying reasons of why I did and why it became such an issue. You know, all the typical life events. I keep asking myself, “what’s next?” Maybe that’s part of my addictive personality. I always want more and I want it yesterday. Wow I guess I just therapied myself (not a word! I know. Calm down.)
Now I’m at the point where I have no idea what’s next. Is this the part where I’m supposed to just be happy and enjoy all the good in my life? I’m not ready to let go of the part of myself that is so darn curious about everything. I’m not ready to be the, “it’s all about the kids now” person. If that’s you then I think that’s freaking amazing. What a beautiful thing. But it’s just. Not. Me, and I refuse to apologize for that.
So every day I have this conversation with myself. What is it, Phoenix? Do you want to do something bold like move across the country and start a whole new life (with my family, obvi). Nah, I love our little place in the world, and I am such a homebody. Do you want to change careers? Hell to the no! So here I am. I know I am craving something but I can’t put my finger on what it is.
Then I think to myself, perhaps this is what’s next. The phase of my life where I don’t have a plan, a goal, or a motive of any kind. The part of my life where I learn that A doesn’t always lead to B. The season where I allow myself to be surprised and to let go of my need to control. It seems like perhaps I know exactly what’s next. I know what this phase of life is *meant* to be. I just don’t know how to accept it, and maybe that’s exactly how I’m supposed to feel.
If you took anything from this post, I hope it’s that you are not alone in wondering what the heck is next. This blog is not for me to whine and complain. It’s meant to be a vessel for starting conversations that we should be having but aren’t- yet. Please feel free to reach out via comment OR privately.
Phoenix Matarazzo 
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