I don’t know if it’s the season changing, hormones, or what, but I’ve been a handful lately. It’s getting rather exhausting for me to deal with me.
I’ve been doing a whole lot of half-assed writing. I start, and then get half way through and realize it’s way too honest and I can’t publish it to the internet because I own a business, have a family, and live in the area where I grew up. I hope one day I get over all of that and am able to share some of these delights with more than my mom and like 5 of my friends. (Though I super appreciate all of you for reading my ramblings!!)
Lately I’m drawn to quiet, alone time, and practicing yoga by myself- which is something I’ve never been a big fan of. I guess we are brought to what we need in life at the right time, as cliche as it sounds. I’m slowly letting go of having to force anything in my life, and welcoming in what presents itself to me when I don’t make myself dizzy looking for it.
Today’s post is a hybrid. A little insight into what’s been going on with me, and a Yoga Practice to go with it.
“Why am I like this?”
The question with the never ending answer that I wish I could stop asking myself. As I sit here looking at my bank statements, my schedule for the week, and the commitments I’ve made that I shouldn’t have, I am completely overwhelmed. I feel like I’m watching my life as a movie, and I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with the main character and why the plot makes absolutely no sense. I’m too much. Everything I do, I end up overdoing. Why can’t I enjoy life in moderation like *normal* people? Lately I just want to put up my little flag and surrender to all my own bullshit that is finally catching up with me.
As I’ve shared in previous posts, I now know that my desire to consume alcohol was just a symptom of my true motive- which was to escape the depths of my thoughts and emotions. I can find an escape in anything if I convince myself it’s a good idea, and I am a damn good persuader. I’ve convinced myself that some pretty odd endeavors were good ideas. Unfortunately, my 20s involved a lot of escaping by spending money, drinking alcohol, and working way too much. It feels like such a nice vacation from reality when I distract myself with things that inevitably end up creating more of a mess.
Today I feel like I’m pretty stable in this whole “not drinking” thing. There are some days I badly want a nice chilled glass of bubbly drunkenness, but lately there are so many more where I don’t even think about it. As life goes though, every time I think I’m getting “good” at one self-work thing, something else pops up that makes me realize my issues are with so much more than cocktails.
I’ve been having a time. I don’t want to say a rough time, but definitely a time. I know in my most rational of thoughts that the things that upset me are not worth being upset over, but that doesn’t make me any less bothered by them. I know in my most rational of thoughts that I live a pretty great life. Most importantly, I know that I’m going back to therapy on Thursday, and I have never before looked forward to therapy more than I am right now.
In the mean time, I’ll find balance through my practice. With the days getting shorter, I’m inclined to practice more yin and restorative. Here is a short “Yin For The Overwhelmed” “Yin For Mood Swings” … whatever you want to call it.
photo by @laurenhowlandphoto